How are you supposed to act when you feel lost? What do you do when it seems like the foundation of your very soul has turned to powder? Where do you go when the things that worked in the past turn against you? What are you supposed to think when the things you held on to are suddenly and violently out of reach?
The walls of your fortress have been breached. These are the moments when all you can see is the devourer on a rampaging tour of your innermost sanctum. You have always been a sinner, deserving of wrath and punishment. But until now, it seemed like the grace of God was sufficient. So you ask: ¨Will the Lord cast off forever? And will he be favorable no more? Hath God forgotten to be gracious? Hath he in anger shut up his tender mercies?¨
You can`t help but think that the chickens have finally come home to roost. Yep – it`s payback time and nothing anybody can say has the power to convince you otherwise. But I suspect that the chickens are not the real problem. I have a feeling that it has to do with not prospering as the world would have us to. It has to do with – leaving all to follow Christ. This is the place where I am unable to make things go my way because grace forbids me the manipulative tool of Law-works – this is frustration in its purest form. This is what I would call the loneliness of a weaned child.
When all is said and done, I may not be any less of a sinner, I may not be a better husband or father, but I will be His.
This lost place is where, by God`s unsearchable grace, my wood, hay and stubble is being burned up. But this is what I asked for when I first started walking with God by grace. I told Him that I did not wish for anything in my life that was not by His grace. So yes, I do feel lost, but it is not because God is not with me, it is because He is here, doing a refining work of grace in me – and it hurts. I am not lost by any means but rather, I am suffering loss. Else, why am I still so attracted to Jesus? If I were lost and not just suffering loss, I would not be able to hear His voice, but I do hear it, and He is lovingly and mercifully making a fool out of me.
This ¨fooling¨ process has been an excruciating ordeal because I want grace, and yet, I want to be able to hold on to the things that I have built. It is hard because, in an effort to cut my losses, I have prayed, cried and confessed my sin, over and over again. But it has nothing to do with my sin; it has everything to do with God`s grace. Who knew that grace could and would be so hard? All this goes to prove that I would have never chosen this path for myself. It proves that – all we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned everyone to his own way; and the Lord laid on Him the iniquity of us all. This loss is not punishment for my wickedness but rather in the name of the cross of Christ.
I have asked myself - what am I going to have when the devourer has finally gone? I don`t think that it has anything to do with what I will have, but who will have me. Nothing else matters if Jesus has me. It is not about what I possess, but about what Jesus possesses. When all is said and done, I may not be any less of a sinner, I may not be a better husband or father, but I will be His. This loss is not about having, but about knowing – that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection.